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De-Clutter Bug Jokes and Quotes!
"I don't make jokes - I just watch the government and report the facts."
Will Rogers (1879-1935)
AGEISM...
"Always remember not to take this thing called life too seriously; after all, do you know of anyone who has survived it?"
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THIS IS ALARMING...
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, April 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain oestrogen), and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men: -
1) Argued over nothing,
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong,
3) gained weight,
4) talked excessively without making sense,
5) became overly emotional,
6) couldn’t drive,
7) failed to think rationally, and
8) had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
WARNING!
Warning
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of Swine Flu.
Ignore it . . .
It's just spam.
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BLONDE GUY JOKE
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!!!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said,
'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the joint funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.'
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4 WORMS CHURCH SERMON
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ACTUAL CALL CENTRES CONVERSATIONS!!!
two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'. I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?' when I am travelling in Australia ?' 'B' fell off'. box told a worried operator: number on'.. this point?'. can you see the 'OK' button displayed?' I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'. time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, s/he is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): words went away.' I type.' Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??' where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??' plugged into the wall. that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??' find the other cable.' the back of your computer.' lean way over??' because it's dark.' coming in from the window. it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??' just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.' |
Gift From Heaven!
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" |
Australian Crocodile!
A rich man living in
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his Mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in..'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc and kicking its ass, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail. And flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a Goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again, Colin said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you Want?'
Colin said, 'I want the b****** who pushed me in the
Pool.'
Always Wear Clean Underwear In Public!
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the news comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
Unfortunately although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts
into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
A Few Jokes To Brighten Your Day!
*********************************************** (And saving the best for last...)
This is what marriage is all about...
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'
She answered . . . . .
**********
'THE TEETH.'
WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS...
When Insults Had Class These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers. Words from the Worldly Wise; W.W.W. She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." 4) "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill. 5) "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill.
| 11) "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain. 16) "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright. 17) "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson. 18) "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard. 19) "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford. 22) "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West. 23) "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde. --------------------------------------- |
Cherie Blair's Chauffeur...
Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving.'
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Cherie.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'
'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie.
'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'
BUILDING SITE
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired at a Construction Site!
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy; "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says: "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy: "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says; "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian; "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies; "I hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says; "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies: "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells; "SUPPLIES!!!"
Actual Call Centres Conversations!!!
through to enquiries, can you help?'. I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?' I am travelling in Australia?' please'. the 'B' fell off'. box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.. this point?'. can you see the 'OK' button displayed?' that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'. long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, s/he is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): the words went away.' I type.' Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??' the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??' plugged into the wall. there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??' find the other cable.' the back of your computer.' way over??' because it's dark.' coming in from the window. licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??' just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.' |
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