DE-CLUTTERBUG

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De-Clutter Bug Jokes and Quotes!

"I don't make jokes - I just watch the government and report the facts."     

Will Rogers (1879-1935)

 

Hangman

AGEISM...

"Always remember not to take this thing called life too seriously; after all, do you know of anyone who has survived it?"

 

Someone
had to remind me,
so I'm
reminding
you, too.
Don’t laugh......  

 


It is all true!
 Perks of reaching
50
or being over
60
And heading
towards
70!

 


1.
Kidnappers
are not very
interested in you.

 


2.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be
released first.  

 


3.
No one expects
you to run --
anywhere.

 


4.
People call at 9 PM
and ask,
'Did I wake you?'

 


5.
People no longer
view you as a
hypochondriac.

 


6.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.

 


7.
Things you buy now
won't wear out...

 


8.
You can eat
supper at 4 PM.
9.
You can live
without sex
but not your glasses.

 


11.
You no longer think
of speed limits
as a challenge...

 


12.
You quit trying
to hold
your stomach in
no matter who walks
into the room.  

 


13.
You sing along
with elevator music.

 


14.
Your eyes
won't get
much worse.

 


15.
Your investment
in health insurance
is finally beginning
to pay off.

 


16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national
weather service.

 


17.
Your secrets are safe
with your friends
because they can't
remember them either.

 


18.
Your supply of brain cells
is finally down to
a manageable size.  

 


19.
You can't remember
who sent you this list.

 


And you notice
these are all
in big print
for your convenience.  

 


Forward this
to everyone
you can remember
right now!

 


ONE MORE THING:

 


Never,
under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill,
and a laxative on
the same night!

 


 

 

 

 

 

THIS IS ALARMING...

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, April 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the results

of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain oestrogen)
, and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men
: -


1) Argued over nothing,

2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong,

3) gained weight,

4) talked excessively without making sense,

5) became overly emotional,

6) couldn’t drive,

7) failed to think rationally, and

8) had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!


WARNING!

Warning
 
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of Swine Flu. 

 
Ignore it . . .  
It's just spam
.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

BLONDE GUY JOKE

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!!!

 

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.  

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.' 

The blonde opened his lunch and said,  

'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.' 

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. 

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.  

At the joint funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.  She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!' 

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'  

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 

'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.'


 

 

 


 
 

 

 

 

4 WORMS CHURCH SERMON

 

For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!

 

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead 

The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead 


 Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

 

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

 

 

 

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service  ..... 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 


ACTUAL CALL CENTRES CONVERSATIONS!!!


 
Customer:     'I've been ringing               0800 2100         0800 2100 for

two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator:     'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer:     'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator:     'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller:          'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:     'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller:          'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that

 I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone

Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator:      'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me

when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator:      ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Directory Enquiries
Caller:               'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator:          'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller:               'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the

 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:             'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone

box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the

 number on'..
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'..
Customer:             'OK'...
Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer:             'No'.
Tech Support:      'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No'.
Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until

this point?'.
Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:          'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen,

can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:                 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that

I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back

again?'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************************************************************** 
                                             
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long

time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true

story from the Word Perfect Help line, which was transcribed from a

recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say

the Help Desk employee was fired; however, s/he is currently suing the

Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.  Actual

dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the

words went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared.'
Operator:         'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything

I type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find

where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's

plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice

that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and

find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into

the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and

lean way over??'
Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's

because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark??'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is

coming in from the window.
Operator:         'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not??'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:          'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got

it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing

stuff your computer came in??'
Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up,

just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought

it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator:            'Tell them you're too flipping stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Gift From Heaven!

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

'Because  you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching  the  bottom of
the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a  little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I  wish  that I and all men
could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" 

 

Australian Crocodile!

A rich man living in Darwin, Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his Mansion.


Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in..'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc and kicking its ass, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail. And flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.


The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a Goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'


'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again, Colin said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you Want?'

Colin said, 'I want the b****** who pushed me in the
Pool.'

 

Always Wear Clean Underwear In Public!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the news comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
Unfortunately although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts
into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

 

 A Few Jokes To Brighten Your Day!

 

The Lost Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman.
"I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!"  said the Irishman.

 ***********************************************

Water to wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

 

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
***********************************************
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
are falling' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be quite ill."
***********************************************
Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Pat & Mike
were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Pat stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Pat, a genie came forth...
This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter,
Pat blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Mike looked disgustedly at Pat
whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Pat!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

 

(And saving the best for last...) 

 

You've Been Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

 

So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.

 

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.

 

He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

 

Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called;
you left your wheelchair there again."



 

 

 
 
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting..... Holy Shxx...what a ride!"

 

This is what marriage is all about...

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered . . . . .

********** 

'THE TEETH.'

 

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS...

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers. Words from the Worldly Wise; W.W.W.

1) The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

2) A Member of Parliament to Disraeli:

"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

3) "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr.

4) "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -  Winston Churchill.

5) "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill.

6) "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow.

7) "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

8) "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"  - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

9) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas.

10) "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."  -   Abraham Lincoln.




 




11) "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain.

12) "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar  Wilde

13) "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new  play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

14) "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

15) "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop.

16) "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright.

17) "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson.

18) "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E.  Leonard.

19) "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford.

20) "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand.

21) "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain.

22) "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -  Mae West.

23) "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde.

24) "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912).

25) "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder.

26) "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn’t it." - Groucho Marx.

---------------------------------------

Cherie Blair's Chauffeur...

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:

'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My god, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie.

'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

 

BUILDING SITE

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired at a Construction Site!

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy; "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says: "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese guy: "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says; "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian; "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies; "I hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says; "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies: "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells; "SUPPLIES!!!"  

Actual Call Centres Conversations!!!


Customer:     'I've been ringing                0800 2100         0800 2100 for two days and can't get

through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator:     'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer:     'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator:     'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller:          'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:     'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller:          'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that

I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone

Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator:      'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when

I am travelling in Australia?'
Operator:      ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
Directory Enquiries
Caller:               'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff

please'.
Operator:          'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller:               'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but

the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:             'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland
'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone

box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the

window to write the number on'..
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'..
Customer:             'OK'...
Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer:             'No'.
Tech Support:      'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No'.
Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until

this point?'.
Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:          'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen,

 can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:                 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised

that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my

file back again?'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a

long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line, which was

transcribed from a recording monitoring

the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk

employee was fired; however, s/he is currently suing the Word

Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.  Actual dialogue

of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden

the words went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared.'
Operator:         'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything

I type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where

 the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's

plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that

there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and

find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into

the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean

way over??'
Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's

because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark??'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is

 coming in from the window.
Operator:         'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not??'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:          'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it

 licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff

your computer came in??'
Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up,

just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought

 it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator:            'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

 

 

There are more jokes and quotes coming soon...

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