"I don't make jokes - I just watch the government and report the facts."
Will Rogers (1879-1935)
Lexicography
1. A bicycle can't stand alone. It is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a rotten apple.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
6. If a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?
7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
10. A calendar's days are numbered.
11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
13. The story of the short fortune teller who escaped from prison; a
small medium at large.
14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
16. If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine.
17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd
dye.
18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
19. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
21. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
23. She was only a whisky maker’s daughter, but he loved her
still.
24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.
25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be
stationery.
26. A dog gave birth to puppies in a public place, and was cited for
littering.
27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit
me.
31. A sign on the lawn outside the drug rehab center said 'Keep off
the Grass'
32. A boy swallowed some coins, and was taken to a hospital. His
mother telephoned to ask how he was. The nurse said, 'No change yet.'
33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
34. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects.
De-Clutterbug does not argue with idiots! To argue with a fool only means there are two...
On 4th July 2010 an old man approached Downing Street . He spoke to the policeman standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown."
The policeman looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Brown is no longer prime minister and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached Downing Street and said to the same policeman, "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown."
The policeman again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Brown is no longer prime minister and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
Yesterday, the same man approached Downing Street and spoke to the very same policeman, saying "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown."
The policeman, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Brown. I've told you already that Mr. Brown is no longer prime minister and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the policeman and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The policeman snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
This is really cool.
ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
Count every " F " in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY
COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
HOW MANY ?
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Sad but true --
YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THEM WITH BATED BREATH, SO WITHOUT FURTHER
In
A 49-year-old
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him in time.
It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2:00 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other end to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miracu
AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt,
=============
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL!
=============
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down.'
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
==========================
On Sainsbury's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)
===========================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication.'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
==========================
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought????...)
=======================
On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
====================================
On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
===========================
On a bar of Dial soap --
'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
(and that would be???....)
============================
On some Swanson frozen dinners --
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
========================
On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
==============================
On Nytol Sleep Aid --
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(..I'm taking this because???.....)
==============================
On most brands of Christmas lights --
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)
==========================
On a Japanese food processor --
'Not to be used for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
==============================
On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: say what?)
===========================
On a child's Superman costume --
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
========================
On a Swedish Chainsaw --
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
===========================
A middle-aged woman seemed very
sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom
again and, plink-plink-plink, there were
some 2p's in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went
again,plink-plink-plink, and there were 5p's
and this morning there were 10p's
You've got to tell me what's wrong with
me!' she implored.
'I'm scared out of my wits!'
For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers - An award should go to the Westjet Airline gate attendant in Kelowna, British Columbia, for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded flight was cancelled after Westjet's 767s had been withdrawn from service.
A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have you attention please, " she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth, and said, "F...You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on at him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on and on.........
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs....
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight . Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
“They're not hanging Wright tonight,”' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!”
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.... in Miss Atkinson's class?'
'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.' |
"Always remember not to take this thing called life too seriously; after all, do you know of anyone who has survived it?"
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Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, April 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain oestrogen), and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men: -
1) Argued over nothing,
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong,
3) gained weight,
4) talked excessively without making sense,
5) became overly emotional,
6) couldn’t drive,
7) failed to think rationally, and
8) had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
Warning
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of Swine Flu.
Ignore it . . .
It's just spam.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!!!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said,
'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the joint funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.'
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two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Samsung Electronics
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
RAC Motoring Services
when I am travelling in Australia ?' Directory Enquiries Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'. 'B' fell off'.
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
box told a worried operator: number on'..
this point?'. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, s/he is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): words went away.' I type.' Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??' where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??' plugged into the wall. that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??' find the other cable.' the back of your computer.' lean way over??' because it's dark.' coming in from the window. it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??' just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.' |
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.' The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" |
A rich man living in
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his Mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in..'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc and kicking its ass, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail. And flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a Goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again, Colin said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you Want?'
Colin said, 'I want the b****** who pushed me in the Pool.'
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the news comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
Unfortunately although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts
into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
*********************************************** (And saving the best for last...)
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor
old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'
She answered . . . . .
**********
'THE TEETH.'
When Insults Had Class These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers. Words from the Worldly Wise; W.W.W. She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." 4) "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill. 5) "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill.
| 11) "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain. 16) "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright. 17) "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson. 18) "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard. 19) "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford. 22) "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West. 23) "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde. --------------------------------------- |
Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving.'
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Cherie.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'
'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie.
'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired at a Construction Site!
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy; "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says: "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy: "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says; "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian; "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies; "I hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says; "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies: "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells; "SUPPLIES!!!"
through to enquiries, can you help?'. I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?' I am travelling in Australia?' please'. the 'B' fell off'. box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.. this point?'. can you see the 'OK' button displayed?' that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'. long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, s/he is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): the words went away.' I type.' Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??' the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??' plugged into the wall. there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??' find the other cable.' the back of your computer.' way over??' because it's dark.' coming in from the window. licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??' just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.' |
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