DE-CLUTTERBUG

"I don't make jokes - I just watch the government and report the facts."     

Will Rogers (1879-1935)

1. A  bicycle can't stand alone.  It is two tired.
2. A will  is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a rotten  apple.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
6.  If a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?
7. The guy  who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8. You are stuck with  your debt if you can't budge it.
9. He broke  into song because he couldn't find the key.
10. A calendar's days are numbered.
11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
12. He had  a photographic memory which was never developed.
13. The story of the short fortune teller who escaped from prison; a
small medium at large.
14. Those  who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
15. When  you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
16. If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine.
17. When  she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd
dye.
18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
19. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
21. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
23. She was only a whisky maker’s daughter, but he loved her
still.
24.  A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of  math disruption.
25.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be
stationery.
26.  A dog  gave birth to puppies in a public place, and was cited for
littering.
27.  Two  silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.
28.  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are
looking into it.
29.  Atheism  is a non-prophet organization.
30.  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit
me.
31.  A sign on the lawn outside the drug rehab center said 'Keep off
the Grass'
32.  A boy swallowed some coins, and was taken to a hospital.  His
mother telephoned to ask how he was.  The nurse said, 'No change yet.'
33.  The  soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned  veteran.
34. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects.

De-Clutterbug does not argue with idiots! To argue with a fool only means there are two...

On 4th July 2010 an old man approached Downing Street . He spoke to the policeman standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown."

The policeman looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Brown is no longer prime minister and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached Downing Street and said to the same policeman, "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown."

The policeman again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Brown is no longer prime minister and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

Yesterday, the same man approached Downing Street and spoke to the very same policeman, saying "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown."

The policeman, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Brown. I've told you already that Mr. Brown is no longer prime minister and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the policeman and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The policeman snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

 This is really cool. 


  
ALZHEIMERS'  EYE TEST

Sad but true --

YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THEM WITH BATED BREATH, SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO HERE ARE THE 2010 DARWIN AWARDS AS OF TODAY.

 8th Place

 In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to  retrieve his car  keys.

 7th  Place

 A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

 6th Place

 While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of  sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him in time.

 It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.

 Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

 5th Place

 Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

 4th Place

 Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not  put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the  trigger.

 3rd  Place

 After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt.

 HONOURABLE MENTION

 Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2:00 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

 RUNNER UP

 Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.

 Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other end to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

 AND THE WINNER IS...

 Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt, Paderborn, Germany fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves....'shit happens'.

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IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL!

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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down.'
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

==========================

On Sainsbury's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)

=========================== 
 

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication.'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

==========================

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought????...)

=======================

On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

====================================

On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

===========================

On a bar of Dial soap --
'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
(and that would be???....)

============================

On some Swanson frozen dinners --
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

========================

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

==============================

On Nytol Sleep Aid --
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(..I'm taking this because???.....)

==============================

On most brands of Christmas lights --
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)

==========================

On a Japanese food processor --
'Not to be used for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

==============================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: say what?)


===========================

On a child's Superman costume --
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

========================

On a Swedish Chainsaw --
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


===========================

A middle-aged woman seemed very

sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.

 again and, plink-plink-plink, there were

 some 2p's in the bowl.'

'That night,' she went on, 'I went

again,plink-plink-plink, and there were 5p's

 and this morning there were 10p's

You've got to tell me what's wrong with

 me!' she implored.

'I'm scared out of my wits!'

For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers - An award should go to the Westjet Airline gate attendant in Kelowna, British Columbia, for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded  flight was cancelled after Westjet's 767s had been withdrawn from service.

A single  attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE  to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST  CLASS".

The  attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able  to work something out."

The  passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO  YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without  hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your  attention please; may I have you attention please, " she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth, and said, "F...You!"

Without  flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too." 

An attorney  arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of  execution. His last minute plea for  clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and  depressed.

As  soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on at him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?  Dinner is cold  and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on and on.........

Too shattered to play his usual role in this  familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long  hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he  dragged himself up the stairs....

While  he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her  husband's client,  James  Wright, had been  granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight .  Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go  up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 

“They're not hanging Wright tonight,”' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!”

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, April 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain oestrogen), and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men: -


1) Argued over nothing,

2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong,

3) gained weight,

4) talked excessively without making sense,

5) became overly emotional,

6) couldn’t drive,

7) failed to think rationally, and

8) had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

Warning
 
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of Swine Flu. 

 
Ignore it . . .  
It's just spam.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!!!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.  

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.' 

The blonde opened his lunch and said,  

'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.' 

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. 

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.  

At the joint funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.  She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!' 

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'  

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 

'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.'

A rich man living in Darwin, Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his Mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in..'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc and kicking its ass, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail. And flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a Goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again, Colin said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you Want?'

Colin said, 'I want the b****** who pushed me in the Pool.'

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the news comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
Unfortunately although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts
into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

 ***********************************************

(And saving the best for last...) 

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:

'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My god, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie.

'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired at a Construction Site!

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy; "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says: "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese guy: "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says; "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian; "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies; "I hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says; "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies: "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells; "SUPPLIES!!!"  

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